


when there's no light to break up the dark

by thekaidonovskys



Series: Becoming Three [17]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Dom/sub Play, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Subdrop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2284044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And it’s not like Newt’s exactly all that familiar to this - he doesn’t sub often, after all. But when he does, he feels it intensely. Incidentally, that’s probably part of the reason why he doesn’t do it often, because sometimes the emotions are a bit too much. As long as he’s got someone to take care of him afterwards and bring him back to earth carefully, Newt usually handles it well enough. </p>
<p>Apparently he’s not handling it too well tonight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when there's no light to break up the dark

“Wow,” Newt says, staring up at the ceiling. It takes enormous effort to say even that much.

Hermann’s sitting up on his left side, idly rubbing his leg in the way Newt knows means it hurts, but not badly enough to cause worry. “Indeed,” he says, and looks over to Newt’s other side. “Tendo? You’re still okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m good,” Tendo says - he’s got his knees tucked up to his chest but he’s not hugging them in the death grip that would indicate something was wrong, just resting his head on them instead. “I enjoyed it… as was obvious.”

Hermann smiles at him. “Different being on the other side?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I could ever go back to subbing, but I was never really that into it anyway. And dominating gives a similar rush.”

“It does. I’ve never submitted myself, but I think it’s fair to say I feel about as good as Newton does after a scene. I hope you do too." 

“Definitely. It kind of wasn’t what I expected but… yeah, feeling just as good.”

Which is interesting, because Newt’s beginning to feel just a bit  _not-good._

“In what way did it differ from your expectations?” Hermann asks.

Tendo answers. Newt doesn’t listen. The pleasant haze of coming down has begun to evaporate, replaced instead by unease prickling up his skin. He feels like he might as well not even be here, the two of them talking over him as they are, and he’s really considering heading off to have a shower or something. He’s starting to feel cold enough that he’d quite like one. 

Newt isn’t begrudging Hermann taking the time to check in with Tendo - this is the first time Tendo’s played with anything on this level since Sydney, and naturally Hermann wants to be sure he’s coped fine. It hadn’t been the most demanding of scenes, with Hermann simply wanting Tendo to get a taste for giving orders and calling the shots. Newt had been all too happy to go with it (because  _subspace_ , man) and they’d all had fun and awesome, great night of sex, cool stuff. 

Except now it kind of seems like Tendo and Hermann are the ones who’ve had the sex and Newt is just… there. Like he was just a body for Tendo to test things out on and for Hermann to enjoy dominating, and now they just want to talk to each other.

Neither one of them have asked how the scene was for  _him_. 

And it’s not like Newt’s exactly all that familiar to this - he doesn’t sub often, after all. But when he does, he feels it intensely. Incidentally, that’s probably part of the reason why he doesn’t do it often, because sometimes the emotions are a bit too much. As long as he’s got someone to take care of him afterwards and bring him back to earth carefully, Newt usually handles it well enough. 

Apparently he’s not handling it too well tonight. 

He’s really feeling cold now. Cold and tired and definitely not all happy and floaty like he usually does after orgasms (especially subspace related orgasms), and with the two of them just  _nattering away_ over his head, Newt is feeling pretty damn unneeded. He’s still in a haze, but it’s quickly turning dark and harsh around the edges and he can’t get his mind to focus on anything other than the sudden hurt and cold and  _wrong_  he’s feeling. 

He might as well just get up and go to the bathroom - or better yet, the guest room, where he can curl himself up in about twenty blankets and not care about the fact that his partners are in here being all happy and in love and not giving two fucks about Newt. 

And was it just Newt, or did Hermann look disappointed when Tendo had said he wouldn’t sub? Was that because he  _wanted_ Tendo to sub, wanted him as a sub far more than he’s ever wanted Newt when he subs, because Newt just isn’t good enough at it? He tries, he really does, but sometimes he forgets and moves his hands when he shouldn’t or speaks when he’s meant to be silent, and sometimes Hermann has to tell him off. But Tendo’s so good at being…  _good_. Tendo would behave all of Hermann’s commands perfectly if he subbed for him, in a way that Newt can’t. 

It’s not going to happen, though. Hermann, and Tendo now probably, are stuck with Newt if they want to do any BDSM scenes, and Newt isn’t good enough. 

No wonder it didn’t meet Tendo’s expectations. Tendo probably expected something  _good_. 

They’re still talking. Newt doesn’t know what about - he can’t focus enough to understand anymore - but he knows it stops when he slides to the end of the bed and stands, a little unsteady. “Newton?” Hermann asks, and at least he’s with it enough to recognize his own name.

“Bathroom,” Newt says, and heads there as carefully as he can. He’s shaking rather hard now. 

He locks the door behind himself, snags Tendo’s dressing gown off the hook and wraps it around himself as he sinks to the floor, leaning against the sink. He’s still freezing, shaking from the cold but also something else that he doesn’t want to think about, and Newt closes his eyes and rests his head agains the door. 

It’s because of that that he can hear Tendo’s quiet murmuring from the bedroom - “… never locks the door. What was that?”

“I don’t know. He seemed fine, he wasn’t upset during the scene, didn’t use his safe word - oh no.”

“What?” 

“Sub drop,” Hermann says, and his voice is a lot closer. A moment later he knocks, and Newt lifts his head from the door but stays where he is. “Newton? I need you to open the door.”

Newt bites his lip and chokes back a whimper. He doesn’t reply. 

“Newton,” Hermann says again, his tone softer. “Darling, please let me in? Or at least talk to me - tell me what’s happening.”

Talk. He can do that. He hopes. “S’okay,” Newt says, trying not to hear how bad his voice is wavering. “M’fine.”

“I rather disagree with that. How can I help? What do you need?" 

Newt doesn’t know how to answer that. 

“Are you cold?” Hermann asks after a moment of silence, and his voice has moved, down to Newt’s level. Newt knows he’s sitting on the ground. “Will you come out so I can at least be sure you’re warm? There are blankets and I - I can hold you if that wouldn’t be disagreeable -“

“Why would you want to?” Newt asks. 

There’s a long silence, in which Newt hugs himself tighter, fairly convinced that Hermann can hear him shaking from the other side of the door. Then Hermann sighs, and he sounds  _old_. “Newton, I love you,” he says quietly. “Completely and truly. I don’t know what… what you’re thinking and if you have told yourself that you did something wrong, but you didn’t. You did a wonderful job submitting for us and I loved every moment of it - and I know Tendo did too. Please, please come out and let me show you how much I care.”  

It’s so damn tempting. Newt  _wants_ to believe that Hermann’s telling the truth - but he also knows he’s being a nuisance right now, locked in the bathroom, making Hermann sit here with him and try to reassure him. Hermann would much rather be with Tendo, and Newt just wants to stop being such a  _burden._ “Don’t - don’t worry about me,” he says, trying to make his voice sound normal, even though he can hear how sluggish his words are. “You can… go back to bed. It’s okay. You don’t have to stay here.”

“If you think for  _one moment_ that I would leave you sitting on the bathroom floor in the middle of a sub drop on your own - or for  _any_ reason, in fact - then you are sorely mistaken,” Hermann says, his voice firm but still so soft. “I can’t make you come out; if you feel you need to stay in there, then that’s okay, but I will stay here too until you’re ready to open the door.”

It’s Newt’s turn to go silent. He’s not sure what to do - because going out there would be seeing Hermann, who, yeah, loves him and all but there’s a difference between loving someone and loving everything they do and god knows Hermann doesn’t love some of the things Newt does. He just wishes Hermann would hurry up and tell him everything he did wrong instead of dragging out this  _niceness._

But Newt knows Hermann isn’t bluffing; he’ll stay there all night if he has to. And Newt is freezing.

“Okay,” he says quietly, and stands up. “I’m gonna come out.”

He opens the door and finds himself face to face with Hermann’s worried gaze. “Thank you,” Hermann says softly. “Come over to the bed, let me warm you up.”

Newt goes hesitantly, really not sure how he feels about Hermann touching him right now. But apparently they’re on different wavelengths - Hermann pulls out a few spare blankets from the chest at the bottom of the bed and puts them around Newt, keeping any touch light and unassuming. He finishes wrapping Newt up, then stands. 

“Are you leaving?” Newt blurts out before he can stop himself.

“I need to go out to the kitchen for just a moment,” Hermann says, calm and reassuring. “I’ll return immediately.”

Newt doesn’t want him to leave, but it’s not like he really has any right to ask him to stay. “Okay,” he says quietly.

True to his word, Hermann’s quick. He returns with a glass of orange juice, which he hands to Newt carefully, mindful of his shaking. Newt stares at it for a bit, and some of the words Hermann has been using click into place in his mind - because he hasn’t really registered  _why_ he’s suddenly feeling so bad, but he knows what the juice means. He and Hermann talked about this one before they agreed to try any BDSM at all, and they knew that this was a risk. Newt just didn’t realise it would feel like  _this_.

“I’m in sub drop?” he asks. 

“Yes, darling. Will you drink that for me, please?” Newt does, and Hermann takes the glass from him when he’s done and puts it aside. “Thank you,” he says, and sits down across from him, a few inches of distance between them. “How close would you like me?” he asks.

“How close do you want to be?”

“Ideally, I would like no distance between us at all, but only if you’re comfortable with that. This is about what you need, my love.”

Newt looks down at his hands - the only part of himself that isn’t obscured by blankets. He sees how badly they’re shaking and clasps them together. “I don’t know,” he whispers. “I don’t know what I need.”

“That’s okay,” Hermann says gently. “I’ll just come a little closer, and you tell me if you need me to back off.”

So Hermann shifts closer and Newt doesn’t tell him to back off. Quite the contrary - when Hermann hesitantly puts a hand on Newt’s shoulder, Newt leans into the touch, the warmth somehow permeating through his layers of blankets and right down into where it needs to go. His heart.

“Closer,” Newt murmurs. “Please.”

It only takes a moment before he’s in Hermann’s arms, and already some of the physical effects are fading; he’s shaking less, he’s not quite so tense and he feels less frozen. It’s not over - Newt’s emotions are still all over the place and his mind is still a haze and he still feels vaguely wrong about being so close to Hermann after such a failure of a scene - but it’s a little easier to breathe.

“Feeling a bit better?” Hermann asks after a few minutes of silence.

Newt nods. “Little bit. I - I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“This. For fucking up and then freaking out.”

Hermann strokes his hand up and down Newt’s back in gentle sweeps. “I don’t know what you think you did wrong, darling, but you didn’t. It was a perfect scene; you did everything both Tendo and I asked of you and we were both very satisfied. Were you?” 

“I - yeah. I liked it, until…”

“Until after. And Newton, you know it isn’t you  _freaking out._ Sub drop is perfectly normal - distressing, naturally, and sometimes a result of something not going quite right, but nothing that you should feel bad or ashamed about. This isn’t your fault." 

Newt doesn’t really want to address that, because he feels quite to blame at the moment (and also, that point about something not going quite right? Clearly it wasn’t as perfect a scene as Hermann’s claiming), so he focuses on something else. “Where’s Tendo?” Newt asks.

“In the other room. He was concerned that his presence might be upsetting.”

Newt frowns. “Why?”

“Neither of us know what caused the drop,” Hermann admits. “I should know, but I don’t. Was it that it was too much? Having two of us?”

Newt shakes his head. “No. I didn’t feel like anything went wrong during the scene - if I fucked anything up though -“

“Which you didn’t. I promise.” Hermann pulls away a little to look at him. “Do you know when you started feeling bad?”

“I - I think so.” Hermann waits patiently, and Newt finally spits it out. “It was… after. When you - because you didn’t talk to me at all. You just talked to each other. I might as well have not been there.” 

It’s as if a switch has flipped in Hermann’s brain. “Oh, darling,” Hermann says, and he sounds anguished as he closes his eyes and drops his head, forehead resting against Newt’s. “You’re right. I got so caught up in making sure Tendo was okay, but  _you_ were the one who submitted. You needed the care. No wonder you dropped.” 

And it’s the validation that everything he feels is justified that finally brings Newt to tears. 

He clings to Hermann tight and cries into his shoulder; and Hermann holds him just as tight in return, rubbing his back, occasionally whispering reassurances and promises of love. Newt can feel how tense Hermann is, knows how worried he must be, and as much as he wants to get himself back under control and stop crying so Hermann will stop worrying, he can’t. It hurts and he’s sad and scared and even though he’s safe now, in Hermann’s arms, it’s still frightening to have his own mind and body and feelings react so badly against him. 

He’d so hoped he would never have to experience sub drop. 

Once all the tears are out, though, Newt feels a whole lot better. He’s still a bit hazy, but he’s more focused than before - and he hadn’t even realized how out of sync things had been - and a lot calmer. And, best of all, being in Hermann’s arms doesn’t feel so wrong.  

“So the… the scene was okay?” he asks, his voice cracking a little. And he knows he’s asked it so many times already, but he has to hear it again now that he can actually put a name to what’s wrong.

“Yes, darling, it was,” Hermann says softly. “You didn’t do a single thing wrong, before, during or after that scene - I did. I’m the reason you went into sub drop, and I am so very sorry that it happened.”

Newt really doesn’t want to cry again, so he just hugs Hermann a bit tighter. “It wasn’t all your fault. I should’ve said something instead of running off to lock myself in the bathroom - that just made things worse.”

Hermann shakes his head. “You had dropped, darling. I know logic goes out the window when that happens. It was my job - and Tendo’s, to a lesser extent - to provide proper aftercare and be certain that you were okay. Are you okay?”

Newt nods. “Better. Still not… but better.”

“Good. I know it’ll take time, but rest assured we will take care of you.”

“Speaking of  _we_ ,” Newt says, pulling away a little so he can wipe his eyes properly, “I’m pretty sure Tendo’s out there worrying.”

“Oh, undoubtedly. Are you ready to see him?”

“Yeah, of course.”

He keeps one of the blankets wrapped around him as he stands, and Hermann puts an arm around his shoulders, gently guiding him out of the room.

Tendo looks as if he’s been watching the door, and is on his feet the second it opens. “I’m sorry,” he says hastily. “I don’t know what it was but I know I played a part in it and did something wrong and I’m so sorry.”

Newt manages a small smile. “It’s okay,” he says. 

Hermann sits him down on the couch, fussing over his blanket and making sure he’s warm. Then he pulls Tendo aside, speaking to him in a low voice. Clearly he’s explaining - Tendo’s worried confusion turns to immediate guilt. “Oh shit,” he says as he turns back to Newt. “Oh,  _Newt._ No wonder. I’m  _so_ sorry, beautiful. What do you need from me?”

Newt shrugs a little. There’s one thing he needs, but it’s not something he thinks he can ask…

Oh, fuck it.

“Tell me I was good?”

Tendo sits down next to him and wraps Newt up in his arms. “You were so good,” Tendo murmurs. “I was worried that  _I_ wouldn’t be any good and you did such a perfect job and helped me learn what I needed to. You were wonderful - you  _are_ wonderful." 

“I agree fully,” Hermann says. “I’m going to get you something to eat, okay? Tendo will look after you.” 

Newt nods. He’s glad to have a moment alone with Tendo - because Tendo not being there when he came out had rattled him in a way Newt hadn’t liked, and to know that Tendo still loves him is helping. “I’m sorry I dropped,” he says quietly.

“Hey, none of that. It wasn’t your fault. And even if Hermann and I had done what we were supposed to do and you’d still dropped, it still wouldn’t be your fault. You said that submitting can be too intense sometimes, and you know you can still come down wrong even after a great scene.”

“Yeah. I - I’ve never done it before, though.”

“I haven’t either, so I don’t know how it feels, but I can tell it’s bad. Just remember, no matter what that crash in endorphins is trying to tell you, we love you and you’re perfect and you didn’t do anything wrong. How are you feeling now?”

Newt yawns and curls in a little closer. “M’exhausted,” he says. 

Tendo strokes his arm lightly. “Try to stay awake until Hermann comes back. We need to get you to eat something, just so we know you’re okay. Nothing else I can do for you?”

“Don’t leave me again,” Newt says without really thinking. 

There’s a moment of silence, then Tendo swears quietly under his breath. “I didn’t even think about how that would feel,” he says. “I thought it might help with only Hermann - he’s better at this and knows more about… about  _you_ , and about how you submit and what you need. But I didn’t think that it might seem like I didn’t want to be there.”

Newt nods. “Didn’t really think about it much at first - couldn’t really think about much at all. But after awhile I started wondering where you were.” 

“I should’ve stayed.” Tendo sighs, and it sounds sad. “Oh, man, we fucked up bad tonight.”

“S’okay,” Newt says, wrapping his arms around Tendo in return. “It’s not something any of us are familiar with - probably just means we research a bit more before we try another scene and set up a… a system, of sorts, to make sure we follow the right steps.” 

“You mean you’re okay to do this again?”

“Not any time soon,” Newt says quickly. “But in the future… sure. Probably.”

“I’d understand if you didn’t, after tonight - but we don’t need to talk about it now. Now is about taking care of you.”

Hermann returns then with strawberries, which Newt has to smile at. “They’re supposedly helpful in stabilising blood sugar,” he says as he hands them over, Newt letting go of Tendo and sitting up a bit. “That’s what we’re aiming for, and there are other things that might do a better job, but I wanted something sweet. Like you.”

Newt’s blushing, but he’s also feeling safe and wanted and that’s what matters. “Thanks,” he says quietly. 

Tendo’s still holding him tight, and Hermann strokes his hair while he eats. He doesn’t know what to do with all of this attention - except drink it in and let it warm him back up. For awhile there he had wondered if he would ever be warm again, and of course that had just been the sub drop talking but it had really been terrifying. Newt’s glad to have finally stopped trembling. 

He yawns his way through the last few strawberries, and Hermann takes the empty bowl back off him with a fond smile. “Bed for you,” he says. “I’ll lock up." 

Hermann goes into the kitchen and Newt looks at Tendo, who shows no signs of letting him go. “Bed?” he asks, and Tendo nods. “I - kinda need to get up?”

“Please. As if I’m letting you walk.”

“Oh,” Newt says, and then smiles. “Yeah, okay.”

Tendo scoops Newt up, blanket and all, and carries him into the bathroom. They both get ready for bed, Tendo only leaving his side momentarily to give him privacy, and then he’s led into the bedroom where Tendo finds him some sweats and a t-shirt. Newt reluctantly shucks the blanket and dressing gown and gets dressed for bed.

“We’ll put you in the middle tonight, I think,” Tendo says when Newt approaches the bed. He’s just finished laying out a few extra blankets and it’ll probably be so hot for the two of them but Newt appreciates it, still feeling the cold more than he should be. “Will you let me hold you for a bit, while we wait for Hermann?”

Newt nods, and waits while Tendo sits down, back against the headboard. Then Newt crawls into his lap and wraps himself around Tendo, who holds him gently and strokes his back. 

He drifts then, the haze finally more pleasant. He catches snapshots; of Hermann entering the room, of the lights dimming, of carefully being moved out of Tendo’s lap and onto the bed, of darkness. And he feels the warmth of his partners, either side of him, their arms around him and their words a soft murmur - to  _him_ , this time, not each other. 

There might still be issues in the morning. There might not. Newt’s working on brand new data here, and nothing in any research is going to tell him about coping with sub drop after a casual BDSM scene with his two polyamorous triadic partners. He’ll have to work it out on his own and deal with any consequences as they happen. 

All he knows is that right now he feels safe and loved and exhausted, and he’s gonna go to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> When life hurts I make my favourites hurt too. 
> 
> This is something I wanted to bring into my ace sub verse but I found it a lot harder to work around a non-sexual sub drop. The need to juggle three people made this verse ideal.


End file.
